Originally posted at Desperately Seeking Sanity January 12, 2009

For months, I’ve been burning the candle at both ends.  I had it all, or so I thought.  I had a full time job, a booming little side hobby that provided some extra cash, was fixing websites for people who in return would either pay me, albeit not the running rate for web help but something, or sometimes I would simply help someone out and answer a quick question, and I would be called wonderful names such as genius or something else along those lines.  Any one who knows me, knows that my love language is words of affirmation, so a simple thank you, or accolade goes a long way.

Things exploded.  There were more requests than I could keep up with.  People wanted blogs done and they wanted me to help them with it.  I felt smart.  I felt worth something.  I felt needed.

Anyone who knows me also knows that I have a desire to feel needed.

I began to fill all of my free time with my “hobby”.  It’s actually how I justified it.  It was a “hobby,” something that I loved to do, that I was receiving money for.  What could be better, right?  I mean, there are mothers out there all over the world who would love to be able to find a way to make money on something that not only were they good at but that they also loved to do.  I felt blessed.  I even went so far at one point in time to call my “hobby” a ministry, and I guess, in a way, it was.

But what I failed to do was to listen to Him.  He told me before I even started that I shouldn’t do this and I listened for many months until one day, I stopped listening.

As things were growing, I continued to hear Him.  He would speak when I would respond to an inquiry.  He would speak when I would offer to help someone.  He would speak and I wouldn’t listen.  The accolades and the ever growing balance of my PayPal account would drown Him out.

And one day, I finally HEARD Him.  It was loud and it was painful and I’m still licking my wounds over it.  But I HEARD Him and He used so many different people in my life to speak to me.  He spoke to me in ways that I never thought that He would.

But despite the fact that I heard Him, I didn’t obey.  The message was loud and clear.  “This is not what I’ve called you to do.  You need to give this up.  I need you for other things.” The other things were mentioned specifically and it was scary.  Some of the things that He wanted me to focus on were things that I knew, but because I was discouraged, I didn’t want to fight the good fight.  Other things that He mentioned were things that were foreign to me, things that I didn’t think I could ever do.

I just kept thinking to myself, “How can I give this up?  Where will I compensate that income?”  Keep in mind that I don’t NEED this income.  I have a full time job and make good money.  This was money that I didn’t have prior to May.  This was money that allowed me to not have to always watch what I was spending, so my discussions with Him were purely selfish — “What about me, Lord?”

And His response was always, “What about you?”

I’ve struggled with this for quite some time and as I’ve been struggling, He’s opened every door for me to escape, to walk away, and shown me how He will provide for me.  He’s given me ways to fix all of it and I was still hesitant to listen.

One night, I discussed all of this with the boy.  Worried that I might be giving it all up for him, so that I had more free time, I told him all of this.  I dug way down and share all that I just shared with you with him to let him know that I shouldn’t be involved in this at all.  That I knew I shouldn’t be, I never should’ve started, and that I KNEW it, I was TOLD, but that I didn’t LISTEN.

I wrote a letter to the people that I worked with and let them know what was going on, but without this spiritual detail.  I simply let them know the truth:  That while I love doing this, I can’t manage it all and I’ve started doing sub par work.  Something that I had always promised myself was that when the hobby was no longer fun or when I could no longer complete work to my standards, that I would hang it up.

It was time to hang it up.

But I held on to that letter.  The two people that I shared it with told me to hit send.

But I couldn’t.

One night while watching my children play checkers, with the radio on in the background, and my thoughts consumed with the battle of what to do, a song came on the radio.  It’s a song that I’ve heard a million times, one that I love, one that makes me sing at the top of my lungs and one that has always moved me.

But this time, it was almost as if I had never heard the song before.  I stopped.  I listened to every single word.  And then I walked over to the computer and hit send.

The song?

Empty Me.

And He was speaking again.  Not just in regards to my “hobby” but to other things in my life.  This was the Lord SCREAMING in my ear.

I’ve had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood.
And I’ve tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.

I’ve had just enough of the quick buys of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.

Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you, compared to you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you. So, I surrender all!

Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Oh, filled with you.
Empty me.

And so I’ve made it my prayer.  Empty Me.  Fill me with you. Help me to be the person that you’ve called me to be, to do the things that you’ve called me to do.

The lesson wasn’t an easy one, my friends.  I’m still not done as I have some things that I’m embarrassing late on in getting done.  I’ve actually lost money in the process.  But I will make it right, I will correct the wrongs, and then I will listen and obey.

No matter how hard that is, I know that He will provide for me.  He already has.  All I had to do was listen.