Author Archive
Empty Me
Posted by: | CommentsOriginally posted at Desperately Seeking Sanity January 12, 2009
For months, I’ve been burning the candle at both ends. I had it all, or so I thought. I had a full time job, a booming little side hobby that provided some extra cash, was fixing websites for people who in return would either pay me, albeit not the running rate for web help but something, or sometimes I would simply help someone out and answer a quick question, and I would be called wonderful names such as genius or something else along those lines. Any one who knows me, knows that my love language is words of affirmation, so a simple thank you, or accolade goes a long way.
Things exploded. There were more requests than I could keep up with. People wanted blogs done and they wanted me to help them with it. I felt smart. I felt worth something. I felt needed.
Anyone who knows me also knows that I have a desire to feel needed.
I began to fill all of my free time with my “hobby”. It’s actually how I justified it. It was a “hobby,” something that I loved to do, that I was receiving money for. What could be better, right? I mean, there are mothers out there all over the world who would love to be able to find a way to make money on something that not only were they good at but that they also loved to do. I felt blessed. I even went so far at one point in time to call my “hobby” a ministry, and I guess, in a way, it was.
But what I failed to do was to listen to Him. He told me before I even started that I shouldn’t do this and I listened for many months until one day, I stopped listening.
As things were growing, I continued to hear Him. He would speak when I would respond to an inquiry. He would speak when I would offer to help someone. He would speak and I wouldn’t listen. The accolades and the ever growing balance of my PayPal account would drown Him out.
And one day, I finally HEARD Him. It was loud and it was painful and I’m still licking my wounds over it. But I HEARD Him and He used so many different people in my life to speak to me. He spoke to me in ways that I never thought that He would.
But despite the fact that I heard Him, I didn’t obey. The message was loud and clear. “This is not what I’ve called you to do. You need to give this up. I need you for other things.” The other things were mentioned specifically and it was scary. Some of the things that He wanted me to focus on were things that I knew, but because I was discouraged, I didn’t want to fight the good fight. Other things that He mentioned were things that were foreign to me, things that I didn’t think I could ever do.
I just kept thinking to myself, “How can I give this up? Where will I compensate that income?” Keep in mind that I don’t NEED this income. I have a full time job and make good money. This was money that I didn’t have prior to May. This was money that allowed me to not have to always watch what I was spending, so my discussions with Him were purely selfish — “What about me, Lord?”
And His response was always, “What about you?”
I’ve struggled with this for quite some time and as I’ve been struggling, He’s opened every door for me to escape, to walk away, and shown me how He will provide for me. He’s given me ways to fix all of it and I was still hesitant to listen.
One night, I discussed all of this with the boy. Worried that I might be giving it all up for him, so that I had more free time, I told him all of this. I dug way down and share all that I just shared with you with him to let him know that I shouldn’t be involved in this at all. That I knew I shouldn’t be, I never should’ve started, and that I KNEW it, I was TOLD, but that I didn’t LISTEN.
I wrote a letter to the people that I worked with and let them know what was going on, but without this spiritual detail. I simply let them know the truth: That while I love doing this, I can’t manage it all and I’ve started doing sub par work. Something that I had always promised myself was that when the hobby was no longer fun or when I could no longer complete work to my standards, that I would hang it up.
It was time to hang it up.
But I held on to that letter. The two people that I shared it with told me to hit send.
But I couldn’t.
One night while watching my children play checkers, with the radio on in the background, and my thoughts consumed with the battle of what to do, a song came on the radio. It’s a song that I’ve heard a million times, one that I love, one that makes me sing at the top of my lungs and one that has always moved me.
But this time, it was almost as if I had never heard the song before. I stopped. I listened to every single word. And then I walked over to the computer and hit send.
The song?
Empty Me.
And He was speaking again. Not just in regards to my “hobby” but to other things in my life. This was the Lord SCREAMING in my ear.
I’ve had just enough of the spotlight when it burns bright
To see how it gets in the blood.
And I’ve tasted my share of the sweet life and the wild ride
And found a little is not quite enough.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.I’ve had just enough of the quick buys of the best lies
To know how prodigals can be drawn away.
I know how I can stray
And how fast my heart could change.Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you, compared to you.
Cause everything is a lesser thing
Compared to you. So, I surrender all!Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
Empty me of the selfishness inside
Every vain ambition and the poison of my pride
And any foolish thing my heart holds to
Lord empty me of me so I can be
Lord empty me of me so I can be filled with you.
Oh, filled with you.
Empty me.
And so I’ve made it my prayer. Empty Me. Fill me with you. Help me to be the person that you’ve called me to be, to do the things that you’ve called me to do.
The lesson wasn’t an easy one, my friends. I’m still not done as I have some things that I’m embarrassing late on in getting done. I’ve actually lost money in the process. But I will make it right, I will correct the wrongs, and then I will listen and obey.
No matter how hard that is, I know that He will provide for me. He already has. All I had to do was listen.
Death Is Real and We Have An Appointment With It
Posted by: | CommentsOriginally posted at Desperately Seeking Sanity on October 13, 2008
Today, I attended the funeral of a man that was on fire for God. It was obvious and he was the nicest man that I’ve ever met. He always smiled and up until his last breath, he was telling others about Jesus Christ.
I didn’t know this man for very long, although at age 90, he’d touched many lives, mine included.
He greeted us at the door on Sunday mornings, wearing vibrant colored ties and jackets. He always had a smile. He had a way of making you feel welcome.
The message that was delivered had the title of this blog post, “Death is real and we have an appointment with it.”
We do. We’re all going to die. We may not know when, but we’re all going to die.
I’m not afraid of death, the death that this man had encountered last Thursday. That death, I’m okay with. It means that I have fulfilled the purpose that the Lord intended for me and I’m going home. I’m cool with that.
What I am afraid of is a spiritual death, one that removes me far from my walk with the Lord and unfortuantly, it’s all to easy to flirt with that death.
As I listened to those that knew him far longer than I did, telling those in the sanctuary what he did in his life, what he accomplished and the lives he touched, I was planning my own funeral.
Morbid, I know. Incredibly morbid, but something that I think I needed to ponder today. In a society where we get so wrapped up in the World and not the Word, I need to determine what people will say about me when I’m laying in a casket, on display, and people are paying their last respects.
I want people to talk about the mother I am. I want people to admire the way that I lived my life. I want people to talk about my heart for God, my walk with the Lord, my passion for Christ.
I want people to say that I’ve made a difference in their lives. I want to know that when I get to Heaven, there are going to be people there that I influenced even though I never met them face to face.
It’s a tall order. I need to work on something and get some things straight. I need to start LISTENING to God, because He’s talking to me, but I’m too busy to listen. I’m in my own little world, doing what I want to do and will do so until I get “caught” and go running back like a dog with my tail between my legs.
I know that He’ll scoop me up, just like the father that He is, and forgive me and let me start over, but why do I have to let it get to that point?
Yesterday, when I said things were on the up and up? They are! Things are good. Things are where I want them to be. But are they where He wants them to be?
With on thing that’s going on, I believe beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is. I know that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. However, there are other things going on in my life that I know are not where He wants me to be, but it’s where I want to be.
And I know that. I knew it going it, yet I still did what I wanted to do. But I don’t want to walk away. I don’t want to. I’m kicking and screaming.
And much like we learned yesterday in church, when Pharaoh asked Moses to pray for the frogs who had invaded everything to go away and Moses asked when, Pharaoh responded with “Tomorrow”.
Tomorrow? I would want the frogs gone TODAY. But the frogs in my life? I’m right up there with the Pharoh. Tomorrow.
Now I understand where Pharaoh was coming from.
The problem is, we’re not guaranteed tomorrow. We’re only guaranteed today.
And if my funeral was tomorrow, while there would be niceties as I’m not a horrible person, there would be frogs all over the place.
And at my funeral, I don’t want frogs.
So I’m off to contemplate a little more and spend some time with the Lord.
He deserves to hear from me more than He has been.
My Hardened Heart
Posted by: | CommentsOriginally posted at Desperately Seeking Sanity on September 13, 2009
Y’all, I have to tell you. I am walking around with a HUGE hardened heart right now.
I’ve admitted it which alleviates part of the problem, but fixing it is another story. Honestly, I don’t think I’m ready to fix it but I’m sure the people around me, those who know me the best, wish I would hurry up and get over it.
I am a people pleaser by nature which often results in becoming a human doormat and at some point in time the last few weeks I decided that I no longer wished to be a doormat.
I’ll admit full responsibility when it comes to being a doormat. Someone asks, I do.
But now, I don’t want to be a doormat anymore and those who are used to wiping their feet on me and trampling all over me, don’t like it. Nor do those who have never treated me as a doormat because now, the “me” attitude that has overtaken my mentality is affecting all that are involved.
Friends, it’s not pretty.
At all.
I don’t like me right now. I don’t even want to be around myself, but my heart is so hard that I don’t even know what to do about it. Short of pray, and my prayers have been short, and less than enthusiastic.
And today, despite all the things that God was telling me during the service, I didn’t want to listen. It was if I was sticking my fingers in my spiritual ears and saying “la la la la la” as loud as I could.
In fact, I even refused communion, the first time since the 8th grade when I took my first communion that I have ever done that. But I believe in confessing before communion and I couldn’t bring myself to confess.
For the past six weeks, I’ve seen this coming on and for the past six weeks I have carried my sorry little butt up to the alter and confessed over and over again and have asked over and over again that He soften my heart, that He take these resentments that I seem to be harboring away and no sooner does service end, something else happens and I slip right back to the place that I have been trying so desperately to escape.
I’ve spent far too much time crying, an act that I believe is needed at times, but leaves me worthless when I’m done, and I’m just over it. Yet, I spent even more time crying today at church.
I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve lost faith. Not total faith. I still know that my God is a mighty God and that He can do the impossible, but I’ve lost faith that I will stop feeling this way anytime soon.
That frightens me. My “me” attitude frightens me. The passion that I once had that seems to bring more resentment now frightens me.
Yet, I don’t know what to do about it.
Rarely do I ever pull the “single mom” card but here of late, I’ve wanted to. I haven’t yet, but the desire to shout out to someone, “I’m a single mother and it’s only me and I can’t do that for you because I’m barely keeping my head above water right now as it is.” But when I respectfully decline offering my help to someone, because I physically CAN’T take on any more, I feel as if I’m letting someone down or as if I need to readjust my priorities.
And secretly, I wish, just once that someone would come to me and say, “Heather, I know that you’re really busy right now, is there anything that I can do to help?”
Knowing myself as well as I do, I would probably say no, my stubbornness getting in the way of ever allowing someone to help me, as if that would be admitting failure. But the joy of knowing that someone actually wanted to help me, just to be nice, would send me over the top, restoring the hope in humanity that at one point in time, I had.
And asking for help? I hate it, but I’ve done it. I’ve come to the conclusion, many times over, that I can’t do it all and that I HAVE to ask for help. And I do.
I know that people aren’t supposed to cater to my every whim or do things the way that I want them done. But communicating with me would be appreciated. When it involves me, it would be nice if someone would just keep me in the loop. And I’m so over people volunteering me for things. To agree to do it is an invitation to let someone down or fail and to decline makes me appear as if I don’t want to help.
So, this vicious cycle keeps going on in my head, and in my heart. And all the turmoil of emotions are like rocks tumbling around hardening the outside of my heart.
And I hate it.
Just verbalizing all of this in this post has helped some what, in being able to see just how angry I am, at no one thing or person in particular, but me.
And maybe all I need to do is forgive myself. Maybe all I need to tell myself that it’s okay to NOT want to be a doormat, but to learn to better appropriate my time and my efforts.
Maybe all I need to do is accept the fact that I don’t have to be everything to everyone and that it’s okay.
Maybe I need to sit down with God and talk about the current state of my head and heart.
I know that there’s a wonderful, beautiful heart buried down in there. I know there is. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it. I’ve loved it.
And I want that heart back.
