Authenticity

Project 3am is here for encouragement.  It’s here so that others can see that there are others out there, no matter where they are in their walk, that are struggling.  When I’m in need of encouragement, whether it’s because everything is coming at me at once, I’ve fallen spiritually, or just feel low, I enjoy reading stories of others who have made it through hard times.  It’s not that I take pleasure in the fact that they struggled or are hurting, it’s simply a way for me to see that they made it through and if they can, why can’t I?

Project 3am was designed to bring authenticity back to true Christianity.  So many times I will go to someone in my church and I will sob and cry and tell them how I am struggling and I get the same “pat on the back” answer.  “Don’t worry.  God is there.  Just trust in Him.”  This of course, comes right before they flash their new piece of jewelry to another parishoner or get into their new car that they just bought after receiving a promotion at work.  I, of course, want to scream.

I’m not stupid.  I know that God is here.  I know that He is, but there are times when we’re eating a poop sandwhich, a big one at that, and we’re full.  We just don’t want anymore and it’s natural to wonder where He is.  It’s normal to have a knee jerk reaction of “Geez, God.  What did I do to you?”  It’s HUMAN and guess what?  We’re HUMANS.

Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate those people at my church who will give me the “pat on the back” pep talks but do you know what I really want to hear?  Do you know what I crave?  I crave stories about a struggle that they once had and how God was right there all along… and how they just didn’t realize it until later.

Take Miss Doris at my church.  As her 50th wedding anniversary approached, she sat down and penned their story.  Pastor Ray passed over three years ago, but it was a way for her to not only remember it, put it down for her children and grandchildren, but also to share encouragement with the rest of the congregation.  Miss Doris and Pastor Ray were missionaries, traveling the country with a trailer and children living on love offerings alone.  As I read her story, I just kept thinking that there was no way that I could do that.  How can you plan your life not knowing what the congregation of the latest church is going to share with you?

But throughout her story, you saw God moving.  I asked her if God was obvious when she was going through this and she said there were times that she stayed on her knees in prayer.  Oh how I love Miss Doris.  Her faith is rock solid.  I’m convinced she has a direct connection with the Big Guy but in reality, she’s no different than me.  Her connections with Him are no different than mine, short of, Miss Doris is faithful when it comes to spending time with Him.  (Here is where I could insert an excuse as to why she spends more time with Him…because she’s retired, no kids at home, and a little free time on her hands, but I’ll refrain.  I know that it’s just an excuse.  I’m good at those.)

Miss Doris is authentic.

I pride myself on being authentic.

I want others to be authentic with me.  I want someone to come striding up to me and say, “You know what, Heather?  Sometimes life sucks.  Sometimes you just have to eat that poop sandwich with a smile and know that it’s going to be okay.  I can remember when…” and they go into a story that is always funny to them now, but not so much then.

TD Jakes once said, “I don’t care if you fast until you look like Twiggy or if you speak in more tongues than the United Nations, life is still going to happen.”  Heh.  Probably one of my most favorite quotes, ever.

Which brings me back to Project 3am and how this is supposed to be authentic.  But I’m in a little bit of a pickle.  You see, I have someone who entered my world some 10 months ago and started taking my words and using them against me… or for leverage.  I allowed this person to take my passion, my love, and my gift away from me.  I allowed this person to steal something from me and instead of fighting back, I’ve crawled in a hole and remained mostly silent.

I’ve not shared much of my life with the World Wide Web and some of my biggest triumphs and defeats have been during this time.  I’ve got God stories that you blow you away; ones that would make you stand there with your mouth hanging open going, “No way.”

Yes way.  I have them.  But they remain tucked away in my brain, or in note form in my phone so that I won’t forget.

I expressed my concern to Josh.  I explained the situation to him and his answer was to post under a different name.  He told me to change the names of the people in my family.

My retort back to him was, “how is that authentic?”

I’ve noodled on this for awhile.  I’ve thought about it and thought about it and thought about it some more.

Here’s the bottom line.  I’ve been commanded to “Go and make disciples of all nations,” right?  I’m not doing anything wrong.  I’m not ashamed of what I do.  I strive to live a life that is holy and pleasing to God.  So why can’t I talk about it?  Why can’t I share with you that the boy is going through a huge legal battle and what should’ve been pretty cut and dry has been drug out causing pain to every one involved, the biggest his children?

Why can’t I tell you that God has blessed me with a family that I never thought I would have?  Why can’t I tell you that I am in love with a man that I didn’t think existed?

And why can’t I tell you that the boy’s name is Bill?

I have come to the conclusion that if I am not doing anything wrong then I can write what ever I darn well please.  I know that God wants me to write.  He made that obvious a long time ago and I also know that it is a sin not to use your gifts, of which I have one with writing (or so I’ve been told.)

Thinking about all of these things have made me realize that I’m going to write.  I’m going to tell you about the struggles that I face every day.  The thought of my words, feelings, and thoughts being misconstrued scares the crap out of me.

However, knowing that I could’ve had a contributing role in the salvation of another person but missed the opportunity because I remained silent?

That scares me even more.

So here I am.  Here’s what I’m dealing with.  Here’s how the Lord is working in me and through me and through those around me.

But just so people don’t get confused?  Bill will always be “the boy.”  He says he doesn’t like it but secretly? I think he does and I don’t want to dissappoint him.