My Hardened Heart

Originally posted at Desperately Seeking Sanity on September 13, 2009

Y’all, I have to tell you. I am walking around with a HUGE hardened heart right now.

I’ve admitted it which alleviates part of the problem, but fixing it is another story. Honestly, I don’t think I’m ready to fix it but I’m sure the people around me, those who know me the best, wish I would hurry up and get over it.

I am a people pleaser by nature which often results in becoming a human doormat and at some point in time the last few weeks I decided that I no longer wished to be a doormat.

I’ll admit full responsibility when it comes to being a doormat. Someone asks, I do.

But now, I don’t want to be a doormat anymore and those who are used to wiping their feet on me and trampling all over me, don’t like it. Nor do those who have never treated me as a doormat because now, the “me” attitude that has overtaken my mentality is affecting all that are involved.

Friends, it’s not pretty.

At all.

I don’t like me right now. I don’t even want to be around myself, but my heart is so hard that I don’t even know what to do about it. Short of pray, and my prayers have been short, and less than enthusiastic.

And today, despite all the things that God was telling me during the service, I didn’t want to listen. It was if I was sticking my fingers in my spiritual ears and saying “la la la la la” as loud as I could.

In fact, I even refused communion, the first time since the 8th grade when I took my first communion that I have ever done that. But I believe in confessing before communion and I couldn’t bring myself to confess.

For the past six weeks, I’ve seen this coming on and for the past six weeks I have carried my sorry little butt up to the alter and confessed over and over again and have asked over and over again that He soften my heart, that He take these resentments that I seem to be harboring away and no sooner does service end, something else happens and I slip right back to the place that I have been trying so desperately to escape.

I’ve spent far too much time crying, an act that I believe is needed at times, but leaves me worthless when I’m done, and I’m just over it. Yet, I spent even more time crying today at church.

I’ve gotten to the point where I’ve lost faith. Not total faith. I still know that my God is a mighty God and that He can do the impossible, but I’ve lost faith that I will stop feeling this way anytime soon.

That frightens me. My “me” attitude frightens me. The passion that I once had that seems to bring more resentment now frightens me.

Yet, I don’t know what to do about it.

Rarely do I ever pull the “single mom” card but here of late, I’ve wanted to. I haven’t yet, but the desire to shout out to someone, “I’m a single mother and it’s only me and I can’t do that for you because I’m barely keeping my head above water right now as it is.” But when I respectfully decline offering my help to someone, because I physically CAN’T take on any more, I feel as if I’m letting someone down or as if I need to readjust my priorities.

And secretly, I wish, just once that someone would come to me and say, “Heather, I know that you’re really busy right now, is there anything that I can do to help?”

Knowing myself as well as I do, I would probably say no, my stubbornness getting in the way of ever allowing someone to help me, as if that would be admitting failure. But the joy of knowing that someone actually wanted to help me, just to be nice, would send me over the top, restoring the hope in humanity that at one point in time, I had.

And asking for help? I hate it, but I’ve done it. I’ve come to the conclusion, many times over, that I can’t do it all and that I HAVE to ask for help. And I do.

I know that people aren’t supposed to cater to my every whim or do things the way that I want them done. But communicating with me would be appreciated. When it involves me, it would be nice if someone would just keep me in the loop. And I’m so over people volunteering me for things. To agree to do it is an invitation to let someone down or fail and to decline makes me appear as if I don’t want to help.

So, this vicious cycle keeps going on in my head, and in my heart. And all the turmoil of emotions are like rocks tumbling around hardening the outside of my heart.

And I hate it.

Just verbalizing all of this in this post has helped some what, in being able to see just how angry I am, at no one thing or person in particular, but me.

And maybe all I need to do is forgive myself. Maybe all I need to tell myself that it’s okay to NOT want to be a doormat, but to learn to better appropriate my time and my efforts.

Maybe all I need to do is accept the fact that I don’t have to be everything to everyone and that it’s okay.

Maybe I need to sit down with God and talk about the current state of my head and heart.

I know that there’s a wonderful, beautiful heart buried down in there. I know there is. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it. I’ve loved it.

And I want that heart back.